Memos to the World
Posted on August 15, 2007 - Filed Under Rant |
Today is therapy day. No real estate talk. Today, I vent.
Caution: strong language.
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To: The dog who craps in my yard
I know it’s not your fault your owner brings you to my property to do your duty. From what seventh circle of hell did your owner find your food? I grew up surrounded by farms yet that odor is like the perfume counter at Macy’s compared to the toxic waste which exits your body. But the excuse "I was just following orders" will not fly anymore. If I ever catch you there’ll be hell to pay!
To: The band called ‘Yes’
You’re right, Love will find a way.
To: The Food Network
It seems your network has evolved from presenting food to presenting boobs. It’s bad enough you keep that no-talent ass-clown Bobby Flay around but now this new gal is nothing but cleavage. And why does Giada begin every sentence with "That’s what I love about . . ." Has she no imagination? Can she learn to say something different? With that big bulbous head and that freakishly large evil-clown grin, you would think she has the capacity to parler with a little bit of flare.
To: The drunk slob who flipped me off
Look, it was you who jumped out in front of my car the other night. You’re lucky your pasty white butt reflected my headlights so well. Without complaints I stopped my car so you could stumble across the road. You thanked me by flipping me off and yelling when I drove by.
Only one thing prevented me from opening a can of whup-ass: I have a rule against mopping the floor using the mentally retarded. It’s not my fault your post-traumatic white trash existence drives you to drink. By the way, do me and the world a favor: shave your back. Try-outs for "Planet of the Apes" ended years ago. Yuck!
To: the dude in the cubicle next to me
Seriously, I thought about calling the Guinness World Book of Records to report the loudest human being in the world sits next to me. Why do you yell when talking on your cell? My great great grand-father can hear you in his grave. Recently they’ve added a new feature to phones you may not be aware of: microphones. This amazing piece of technology will pick up your voice without the need to yell. Stop screaming or a piece of ex-lax will find it’s way into your coffee the next time I walk by your desk.
To: former hair-plug guy in my group
Look, if you go to China to find a mail-order bride and they all reject you then there’s a serious problem. Please leave the rest of the women in the world alone!
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9 Responses to “Memos to the World”
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“To: the dude in the cubicle next to me…Why do you yell when talking on your cell?”
Ahhh, the days of office life…
Reminds me of why I find Dilbert, “Office Space”, and “The Office” so funny…
- pasadena
Wow, shocking but hilarious entry! I totally agree with you on Bobby Flay…who doesn’t know how to grill anyways?
Thanks for the tip. I’m going to start watching the food network.
Add to this list the guy driving in front of me who leaves a mile between himself and the car in front of him. GET UP THERE!!!!!!
Reminds me of my days as a local government cube farm manager. We did not allow the use of cell phones in the office. Not only is it rude to your neighbors, it keeps you and them from accomplishing any work.
Thanks for the laugh!
The only reason why I didn’t include Rachael Ray in my rant is because there are entire blogs and message boards, dedicated to tearing her down. Ask Lord Google “Rachael Ray Sucks” and you’ll get buried.
Thanks for indulging me. I needed a venting something fierce!
I’m a little late getting into this posting, but I have to say… What’s a good cooking show without some nice breasts to look at as well? I would probably miss many key parts of the recipe and it’s preparation, but I wouldn’t get much flack from the wife for watching the Food Network…
“How was your day?”
“Oh, took care of the kids and picked up a couple new recipes off the food network…”
The life of a stay-at-home Dad…
Ummmmmm……Ingrid Hoffmannnn….
Wait. Did I say that out loud?
Very entertaining ‘vent’ Cliff!