Evicting a Stinky Tenant
Posted on February 15, 2006 - Filed Under Personal |
As I stood near the crawl space entrance, the question on my mind was "How do I evict Grey?" I thought about calling animal control or another service like that. But I could see this turning into some giant fiasco with television cameras and helicopters. Mental images of SWAT bashing down my front door danced in my head. I believe having a skunk qualifies under the PATRIOT Act as an act of terrorism.
I asked myself "How do I evict Grey? Then the answer hit me - he would leave on his own accord if he had an escape route. I just had to provide it. All I had to do was leave the crawl space door open.
The clock struck 10:00 p.m. and it was time to release Grey. I walked into the space between the two houses and realized that the Tenant was probably home. A quick glance at the houses revealed no lights turned on so I figured she was sound asleep. Good, no worries there.
All the lights in the house were shut off. I rested perfectly still on the bed as the minutes slowly ticked away. Any minute now, Grey would advance to the portal and make quick his escape. My heart pace quickened as I realized that this zany scheme just might work. I was giddy!
Suddenly, my room was flooded with light. The Tenant had stepped outside the back house with her dog. What was she thinking? She was suppose to be in bed!!
Tenant: C’mon doggie. Make the poopie!
Dog: (stupid stare)
Tenant: C’mon! Make the poopie!
Dog: (stupid stare)
While standing on my bed, my mind pondered if "poopie" was actually a real word. Then it occured to me that I had no way of knowing if Grey had started his ascent or not.
Merde.
This mental movie played in my head. I quickly jumped down off the bed and ran towards the back door. While only wearing my old boxers and a pair of socks, I bolted into the back yard. The tenant’s dog had seen the skunk. On instinct, the skunk turned it’s body and lifted it’s tail to project it’s toxic, acidic spray.
"No-o-o-o-o!" I screamed as in some Secret Service Agent Style, I leapt forward to put my body between the skunk and the tenant. The skunk spray hit me full on in the chest, it’s acrid smell pierced the air and nearly sent me retching. But at least the tenant was alright.
No, none of that happened.
The dog must have made the "poopie" because he and the tenant went back into the house.
The night passed without incident. I’m not sure of the exact moment Grey left. In the morning, upon inspecting the cardboard, there was a set of dirty footprints on it. I resealed the hole.
What’s next?
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Ok, I know you’re relatively new to the landlording role (not that I’m all that experienced), but in my mind, you should never, ever ask what’s next. You don’t want to tempt Fate! LOL