Wild Kingdom
Posted on February 13, 2006 - Filed Under Personal |
In the pursuit of my objectives, I have already demonstrated that I am perfectly willing to send someone to their death. Keeping my eye on the ball is an imperative and I will get results. Some kind of large animal was under my house and I had to get it removed before it could cause any more damage.
Grey had been under the house for nearly 5 days. Tired and hungry, Grey could have become a bit dangerous. I looked around for some soul that I could send under the house but alas, there was only one. Me.
My house has a convenient access point. An old rickety crate lid had been used to seal
the entrance. Upon lifting the lid the seal was broken, probably for the first time in 1,000 years. Years of stagnate air came rushing up into my face.
I lowered my 5,000,000 watt floor lamp into the hole. It’s powerful beam cut through the darkness. Every single object was illuminated, including thousands of miles of spider webs. I hate spiders!
After a million viewings of the Indiana Jones trilogy, I was thoroughly unprepared to enter
this dark cave. But I had no choice. I had to determine what Grey was and then formulate a strategy for his eviction. I was really hoping that he would be standing there, with a little white sign that said “Hey, I’m Grey!” But alas, my hopes were dashed.
With the 5,000,000 watt lamp in my hand, I started my quest. The underside of the house was, of course, riddled with all kinds of large rocks and cement blocks. Behind any of these obstacles, Grey could be hanging out. Of course what is difficult is the fact that the shadow of the rocks moves with the light. So if Grey is clever enough to move with the shadow, it could be days before I find him.
And find him I did.
Now, for the first time ever in broadcast history, is a picture of the elusive Grey.
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Yeah, that’s right. A freaking skunk. No, it couldn’t be a raccoon or a possum or a dead body. Nope, life had to deal me the trump card and deliver a skunk.
With the speed of a ninja, I peed my pants. I realized my time was short. Skunks spray some kind of toxic, corrosive acid that could stop an army in it’s tracks. In addition, I could imagine that Grey would be more than happy than to spray me for some food.
Oh, and I’d like to take a moment to thank the Vegetarian for that wonderful piece of advice. She suggested I use a hose to squirt the critter towards the exit. In the battle of the hoses with Grey, I would have been the victim no matter how many tons of water I sprayed out.
Kiyosaki states in “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” that I might have to put a plunger in a toilet when having investment properties. I’m still looking for the reference to toxic producing animals. No such luck.
Evicting him proved to be a bit challenging. It almost involved two innocent victims. Details coming in two days . . .
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One Response to “Wild Kingdom”
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He’s so cute from 1500 miles away!
At least you know you and Grey had a mutual interest–getting him the heck out of there. Just imagine how a rotting skunk would’ve smelled coming through the floorboards. I don’t think I have to tell you that you did the right thing!