Welcome to Chez Cliff!

My parents were visiting a few years back.  I took them into LA to meet some friends of mine.  When we were leaving, I asked them what they thought about my friends. 

My mom said "Cliff, I’ve always liked your friends.  You always pick good friends and you always seem to remain friends."

I didn’t realize exactly the implications that statement would have on me until I opened this email from an old friend, whom I haven’t seen in well over a year.

"I hope that you take one of your sentences (Have a great New Years and
I will definitely see you in 2006.) literally and we will really see
you in 2006."

In my late 20’s, I hit a really dark period in my life.  The road map of life I had in front of me evaporated and nothing was working out like it was suppose to.  I was completely unsatisified.  I was living by someone else’s expectations and I was miserable.  If you’re reasons for being miserable in life start with "Well, I can’t upset this person" or "I can’t disappoint so and so", then there’ something wrong.  And those were the excuses that I gave.

As my 30’s arrived, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depressive state.  I was becoming more and more recluse and spending less time interacting with people.  All of my allotted sick days were burned away because most days, I didn’t even feel like going to work.

In realizing that I needed to be the person I was born to me, I started being and acting like I really wanted to.  You never realize how hard this is if you’ve been doing what others have "projected" onto you your entire life.  I had no idea what I really wanted or liked because I had been told what I should like and what I should want.  This lead to some very dark episodes.  But I needed to find out "Who am I?"

Trying to walk in the shoes that were to be mine was not easy.  And during these times, I fell.  I fell more than once.  And my friends were always there to lift me up and dust me off.  Their patience with me knew no bounds and their help was invaluable. 

One day, a minor miracle occurred.  I learned how to walk in my shoes.  Last year, I learned how to run.  This is a credit to every single one of my friends.

Each and every one of them has a special place in my heart.  I will guard that spot until the end of time.  I’m so sorry that I haven’t spent as much time with you as I should have.  I’ve gone months at a time without so much as a word, save for what I have written here.  But that’s not really communicating. 

I will rectify that.

I am rectifying that.